


Was it worth it?

by KSammy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Eren Yeager, Canon Era, Canon Universe, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Not porn, One-Sided Levi/Erwin Smith, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Slow Build, Slow Burn, There's some erwinxlevi, ereri, it starts with dub-con eruri, not sex focused at all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:55:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28522017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSammy/pseuds/KSammy
Summary: This fic is set right after the failure of the 57th expedition outside the walls where they fail to capture Annie and are told to give custody of Eren back to the MP.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so there is some one sided Erwin x Levi shit going on, it's dub-con, if you don't ship it just push through, this is an Levi x Eren fic, I assure you.

Leaning in Erwin’s doorway, eyes locked on his Commander, Levi casually crossed his arms.

“Was it worth it?”  
“I think so, yes.” Erwin paused for a few seconds, the weight of Levi’s gaze becoming heavier with each passing second. “The plan may have failed, but we were extremely close to succeeding. It has given us valuable information, and knowledge is all that matters.”

Levi sighed and diverted his attention to the floor, his voice merely a whisper. “But at what cost, Erwin? Do you even realize how many people we just lost?” He pressed his fingers against his furrowed brow, jaw clenched tightly. “I just lost my entire squad and... if it hadn’t been for Mikasa... I- We would have lost Eren too.” 

Erwin tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow curiously. “Do you resent me?”   
They let the question bounce around the room for a few seconds before making eye-contact. “Levi.. If you have something to say about this; do it now. I don’t want you to have to bring this up later.”  
“I don’t- No... No one could have predicted she’d resort to cannibalism.. It’s just... All these people are dead and-” Levi clenched his fists, trying his best to remain calm and not raise his voice. “And for what? You do realize they’ll take Eren away from us, don’t you? I don’t see how you could possibly prevent that.”<

Erwin rose from his seat, facing Levi directly. “We still have Eren for now and he will help us capture the female titan. We will construct a plan and succeed on our next attempt.”

Levi spun on his heels, facing away from Erwin, ready to make his exit. He could tell that this conversation was going absolutely nowhere, if he was going to waste his time he’d rather waste it with Hange, at least she would care about the consequences of losing their newest member. He paused before leaving the room. “You don’t even care if we lose Eren, do you, Erwin?” Levi felt his commander’s heavy hand on his shoulder, willing him to turn in his direction. 

“It would be inconvenient to lose the shifter.. But he’s not our priority.” Erwin stared into Levi’s eyes as he tightened his grip. “I placed him under your care so that you’d kill him if need be, not so that you’d get attached to him. I’ll say it again, Eren is not our priority, he’s merely just a tool we can use to our advantages to reach our goal.”  
“Tch...” Levi knocked Erwin’s hand off his shoulder. 

Erwin relented, “Levi. Do not let your emotions get the best of you. You’re better than this.” 

The captain remained silent, his face blank as ever, biting his cheek to avoid saying something he’d later regret. “I’m really starting to think you resent me. I know there was a lot of similarity with.. well.. that mission.. Is this why you’re reacting so strongly?” Erwin made his way towards the door, closing it haphazardly to prevent Levi from leaving. He decided they were going to talk this through, whether he liked it or not. He leaned against the wall nearby, looking down on Levi who remained way too quiet. “If you wish to blame someone, blame that female Titan. She’s the one who murdered them. Direct the hatred you’re feeling right now towards stopping her.” Erwin paused. “Or.. do you blame Eren?” 

Levi’s expression darkened at the other’s pointless question. “He had absolutely no fucking clue as to what was going on. You used him as a fucking lure, Erwin. My squad died for your plan, a plan Eren didn’t even know was taking place. He’s already blaming himself for it, you know. I need to see him, I need to make him understand that all this” he gestured ambiguously, “this isn’t on him.”

Levi’s back hit the wall firmly, both of Erwin’s hands holding him there by his shoulders. “You’ve already grown too fond of him, Levi. If it came to it.. could you kill him?” Levi swallowed hard against the lump growing in his throat. “You already know the answer to that.” Erwin pressed him against the wall harder. “He’s our best hope to retake the walls right now, and we’re about to lose him to the military police, how can you ask me stupid questions like that? Why the hell would we even think about killing him?! Don’t you-” He cut himself off, feeling Erwin’s mouth whispering in his ear, his breath trailing over the side of his neck. “Keep your emotions in check, Levi.” He traced Levi’s collarbone with his hand before resting it on his neck, his thumb brushing against the captain’s cheek. 

“Can I go now?” Levi’s words lacked their usual harshness as he laid his hand on Erwin’s arm, hinting at him to let him go. The commander moved away slightly, his blue eyes scanning Levi’s body. “Stay here for the night.” Levi gasped. “What? Are you fucking kidding me? Didn’t you listen to what I just said? I’m going to Eren. He needs.. support. He looks up to me, you know that, I could help him.”

Erwin ignored his words as he lowered his other hand down Levi’s body, resting it on his waist, pushing them closer to one another. “Levi.. I don’t think spending time with Eren will do either of you any good. We’ll figure something out tomorrow, we can still make use of Eren to capture the female titan, we just need to figure out who she is. But for now..”   
Levi clenched his teeth, inhaling deeply as he turned his head away from his commander, closing his eyes as hard as he could. ‘This isn’t happening..’ He thought to himself, feeling his legs go weak as Erwin’s thumb hook under his jawline, forcefully tilting Levi’s face upwards, colliding their lips together. “Please.. Eren shouldn’t be alone right now I need to go to him..”

Erwin scoffed. “Levi.. he has his friends. He doesn’t need you.”

The words resonated in his head. Erwin was right. Eren wasn’t alone. He didn’t need him. His chest felt tight, his throat choked as tears welled in his eyes, sadness leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Erwin stroked strands of Levi’s hair away from his face softly. “He’s with them now.. stop thinking about him.” Erwin pulled Levi closer to him, pressing their lips together softly, his hand playing in black locks.

“Don’t you want it?” Erwin’s voice was warm against Levi’s lips. “You know I wouldn’t force you, Levi.. You have the strength to stop me if you wanted to...” He slid his hand under Levi’s shirt, teasing the skin with the cold fingers. The commander dove for another kiss, clawing at Levi’s hips as his fingers made their way under his belt, trailing down his v-line. 

Levi felt sick to his stomach, his throat feeling tight as he felt dizzier from the lack of oxygen. He really needed to breathe. Erwin broke the kiss before dropping to his knee, unbuckling the captain’s belt before slipping his pants down, kissing his stomach as his hand circled Levi’s dick, beginning a slow jerking motion, encouraged by Levi’s half whimpered moans. “Erwin.. please.. not now..” The commander grinned as he felt it become hard, taking it as consent despite Levi’s absence of it. 

He looked up, the captain had his eyes firmly shut, cheeks flushed red, slightly panting as his fingertips rested on his commander’s head, his legs softly shaking as he struggled to keep himself up. 

He didn’t love Erwin. The appreciation he felt towards him was entirely intertwined with respect. He had clung to him after losing Furlan and Isabel, and to this day, he let Erwin take every goddamn decision that had to be taken, because if anyone could live with the guilt; it was him. Levi couldn’t stand to make another mistake after the one that cost him his friends’ lives. And so, the first time Erwin had decided he wanted to fuck him, Levi didn’t bother to fight it. Sex had no meaning to him, his mother was a whore, after all. All he’d ever known about sex was that men would pay for it.

A need they had to satisfy with just about anyone. If Erwin had needs and Levi could satisfy them, why would he refuse? Levi had never addressed Erwin as his superior, of course he followed his orders, but their relationship was much closer to friendship than it was to subordinate and superior. He felt as though the ‘favors’ he had granted him throughout the years must have had a play in it, some kind of mutual affection. Not genuine love.

Levi whimpered as he felt Erwin’s finger enter him, stretching him slowly as his commander blew him, pausing to lick along his shaft. “Erwin.. please..” Levi’s eyes were still screwed shut, a small tear begging to be let out but unable to slide down his cheek. Erwin pushed another finger in alongside the other, scissoring them, making sure Levi was prepared enough to take him. 

The last thing he wanted was to hurt him, he cared for Levi more than he cared for anyone.

Satisfied, Erwin stood, his hands sliding to Levi’s thighs, lifting him up and pressing his back against the wall, smiling when Levi wrapped his legs around his waist for extra support. “You want this, don’t you, Levi?”

Levi nodded as he draped his arms around Erwin’s shoulders. He deserved it. He knew he could say no and that it would stop, Erwin never had any intention to take advantage of him. But what would be the point? If he could at least be useful to him, as thanks for taking him in, to repay him for giving him a sense of freedom, any way he could, that was it.   
It wasn’t that painful, nor was it pleasurable. It never really was. His face was buried in Erwin’s neck, half moaning, half whimpering with each thrust, biting his lip as he wished for it to be over. He could feel his entire body shivering, a shudder in his breath.

"Are you crying?"

Levi’s eyes jerked open. He had let his mind wander as they were doing it, and wasn’t certain if Erwin had even finished, or how long they had been at it. He pulled himself away from Erwin, resting his head back against the wall as he wiped at his eyes, surprised to find some moisture there. He dove his gaze in the ocean that was Erwin’s eyes, feeling himself drown in the despair he found raging in them. 

"Did I hurt you?" Erwin’s voice was soft, genuine regret weaving its way through his words as he put Levi down. Watching as he let himself slide down the wall, sitting on the ground. He kneeled in front of Levi, his hands delicately on his shoulders despite the panic in his eyes. “Levi talk to me, did I hurt you?” He struggled to maintain his calm demeanor. “No.. It’s fine.. did you finish?” Erwin didn’t bother to answer as he pulled Levi up, leading him to the bed, insisting he sit on it. “What happened? What’s wrong?” The disgust in Levi's stomach turned to guilt as he noticed Erwin’s trembling hands. He was panicking, well, as much as Erwin could, at least.   
He forced a smile as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, the other vaguely gesturing for them to drop the subject. “I’m just- M-My mind’s not in it, Erwin I.. I’m sorry, it’s not your fault..”

Erwin’s heart sank the moment he saw Levi’s attempt at a smile. No words could express the regret he felt at this very moment. Hundreds of questions crept into his mind as his stomach dropped to his knees. “Erwin, it’s not your fault. I’m fine, you’re fine. We’re okay..” He pulled Erwin in for a kiss, trying his best to bury the conversation, to brush away whatever regret Erwin was feeling. He felt his commander lean into it, savouring it for a few seconds before Levi broke the kiss, a soft look in his eyes as he stood. “I’ll come see you in the morning, I really need to sleep..” he yawned, “ I’m exhausted..” 

Erwin cracked a smile as he tried to get a hold of his emotions. “Of course, Levi.. Sleep well, may you wake sufficiently rested.”

Levi quietly got dressed before exiting the room. He closed the door behind him, cooling his forehead against it for a few seconds, wondering if he weren’t better off staying with Erwin for the night. He inhaled deeply, his hand releasing the handle as he made the decision to go back to his quarters. He had already fucked things up enough for one night.  
The hallway was dark, a few candles producing a faint resemblance of light, and yet he immediately recognized the figure sitting across from the door to his living quarters; Eren.   
He looked asleep, his arms wrapped around his knees, head resting against his forearms.

“Eren?” His subordinate jerked awake, immediately jumping to his feet, instinctively straightening his back and putting a fist to his heart, the other across his back.   
Levi couldn’t help but smile despite the sorrow that crept in his throat.   
“Levi-Heichou! Sorry I.. I didn’t mean to.. uh.. I..” The captain raised an eyebrow, pointing toward Eren’s salute. “I don’t think there’s any need to give your heart out right now.”   
Eren raised his hand to the back of his neck, smiling shyly. “Right..” 

Levi made his way into his room, leaving the door open as a silent invitation.

Eren made his way in, gaze locked on his captain who took a seat at his desk, vaguely gesturing towards the chair, implying he wanted Eren to sit with him. “So.. what did you want?” 

Eren sat down, his hands resting on his knees. “I-” He looked down, embarrassed. “I wanted to apologize- I-I know it’s not good enough, but... I don’t know what else to do, I.. I’m sorry I couldn’t save them..” 

Levi sighed, having foreseen this turn of events. “Eren.. I’m sorry I left you alone back there. It’s not your fault. No one ever knows how these things will turn out.. Just- it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” 

Levi tried his best to hide the slight tremor in his voice, he knew exactly what Eren was feeling. The guilt of making the wrong choice, the endless questioning of what could have happened if only...  
Eren looked back up, catching Levi staring at him, his grey eyes looking duller than usual. 

“Why are you here Eren? Why aren’t you with your friends?” Levi’s question floated in the room. “Oi. Eren.” 

Eren looked away, his fingers digging into his thighs. “I..” He almost swallowed his words. “I don’t want to be with them, they.. they don’t understand and.. well..” He chuckled as he tried to hide the sorrow that choked him. “Oh god- I fucking hate myself.” Eren’s strained laughter faded into a twisted sense of misery, flavored with self hatred.   
“What do you mean?” Levi’s voice was quiet, devoid of any authority, as he leaned forward in his chair. 

Eren vaguely gestured, taking in a deep ragged breath before resuming. 

“I’m so fucking stupid. You’re probably in more pain than I am, they were your squad... your... your friends, after all. And here I was hoping that maybe-” His voice cracked, which made Levi’s heart shatter. “Maybe I could stay here? Just for a little while? Just-” Tears found their way down Eren’s cheeks, guilt becoming too heavy to withstand. He wiped his tears away, his breath shuddering as he tried to win his voice back, his face buried in his hands. “Heichou I’m so sorry.. It’s all my fault.. I.. It was all for nothing and.. it’s my fault..” 

Levi walked to his subordinate, crouching in front of him, his hands delicately holding Eren’s wrists, gently pulling them away from his face. “Eren, look at me. It’s not your fault, okay? It’s not your fault.” Eren sobs echoed around the room, he tried his hardest to catch his breath, the air battling to get to his lungs. “I’m a fucking failure.” His cries turned back into a soft laughter, a distressed descent into what felt like utter despair, veiled in a glimpse of insanity. 

Levi could feel his guts twist with despondency as he squeezed Eren’s wrist in a feeble attempt at support. He had no idea how to deal with any of this, the only thing he could think of was that he should have been there for him earlier. It would have surely been better. It would have helped, if only even a little bit.  
Erwin was wrong. Eren did need him, and he had let him down. 

He pulled Eren against his chest, holding him tightly. Eren froze at first, but quickly buried his face in Levi’s neck, tears flowing down his cheeks, letting hours worth of trapped sorrow fall on his captain’s shoulder. 

“You’re okay.. you’re fine.. I’m sorry, I should have been there... I-” Levi couldn’t find the words. He never could. He waited and waited, feeling as though Eren would drown in his dolour, trying to ignore everything else that crept into his mind.

Eren felt as if he had cried every tear his body was capable of shedding, his cries now dry, his lungs shuddering each time he inhaled air that felt undeserved. He pulled himself away from his captain, muttering a few apologies as he rubbed at his cheeks until they dried. 

Levi stood up, cupping Eren’s face in his hands, wishing he could steal the feeling of guilt his subordinate felt. “It’s not your fault. No one knows how these things can turn out.” He knew his words were useless, repetitive, they couldn’t even begin to scratch at the ache that Eren must feel.

“I could have trusted myself..” Eren’s eyes were empty, dissociated, the ocean in them now rendered dark. Levi could feel his world turning upside down, helpless to help him, not like his friends could.

He brushed his thoughts away, now wasn’t the time for comparison. No one should have to go through that pain alone, especially not Eren, and he simply couldn’t bear the sight of him like this.

He looked broken, on the verge of giving his existence up. 

“Where were you?” Eren’s question came out of nowhere, his voice far away and devoid of any kind of emotion. His eyes looked incredibly tired, as if they had lost that spark that first drove Levi’s attention to him. “With Erwin.. why?”

“Oh..” Eren looked down. Of course he’d be with Erwin. They were friends, after all. He was only his subordinate and he definitely should have gone to his friends instead of bothering Levi with his angst. “I’m sorry for ruining your evening I-” He paused, eyes still locked on the floor. “I’m going to be transferred to the military police department tomorrow.” Levi felt weak. “I’m guessing they’ll kill me..” He laughed softly, probably at his own misery. 

“I don’t mind dying.. but… I just-... God, this is stupid.”   
He softly kicked at the ground, searching for the right words.

He took a deep breath as he looked up, falling into Levi’s grey eyes. “Being part of your squad, even if it was short lived.. It was my dream” he smiled sadly, “Having had the chance to be with you, to spend time with you.. It’s more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you, Levi-Heichou.”

“Oi..” Levi had grabbed the collar of Eren’s shirt, pulling him merely inches away from his face. “Don’t you fucking dare act as if you’re going to die. We’ll figure it out.” Eren was calm, a faint smile growing on his lips, his eyes finally showing some sort of presence. 

“Can I stay with you tonight?” 

Eren wouldn’t have dared to make that request if it weren’t for the utter desperation he felt right now. He had nothing left to lose. Levi slowly let go of his shirt, his hand resting on Eren’s chest. He nodded. Of course he’d want Eren to stay. Right now, he felt as if he’d never want to be away from him, the one person he felt alive with. The one person he truly wanted to be with. Levi didn’t think twice, he pulled on Eren’s shirt, dragging him to his bed. Levi pushed him softly, dropping on top of him, Eren instinctively wrapping his arms around his captain. “You’re so warm..” Levi’s words were merely whispers against Eren’s neck, the heat of his breath sending shivers down his spine.

They remained like this for a while, silent. Levi rested his head on Eren’s chest, listening to the sweet melody of his heart resonating in his chest. He was alive, and he was with him, it was all that mattered at the moment. He felt himself rise with each breath Eren took, his eyes closing shut, wishing for this night never to end. The pain of losing his squad, the failure of the mission, what happened with Erwin... the fear of what tomorrow would hold.. none of it mattered now. He only wished to stay like this for a while longer, to forget about everything. “Are you okay?” Eren’s voice rumbled through his chest, a soft echo, Levi couldn’t recall the last time he had been close enough to someone to hear their voice like this. It was comforting; familiar in a way he could not recall, realizing that in this moment he felt safe.

“Heichou?” Levi answered with a low ‘hm’, his face still buried in Eren’s shirt. “Are you okay?” Eren repeated.

Levi lazily lifted his head, diving into Eren’s ocean eyes. “Am I too heavy?” 

Eren chuckled, his captain definitely wasn’t. Nonetheless, Levi rolled to the side, landing next to Eren and cuddling up to him. 

“You could have stayed, it was fine..” Levi draped his arm across Eren’s chest, squeezing their bodies together. “I.. I’m happy, I like this but.. are you okay? This.. this really isn’t like you..” He paused, feeling Levi tense against him, preparing to move away. “No-no-no, I like it. I’m just concerned..” 

Eren’s voice carried worries that pierced his heart like needles through Levi’s chest. 

He didn’t want to contribute to his pain; didn’t want Eren to worry about him.   
He should be the one comforting him and yet; the swells of sadness crept into him, his very own thoughts choking him.

“I’m fine.” Levi spat the words as he recalled what had happened earlier, feeling a rise of hatred towards his commander. ‘Oh.. that’s new..’ He thought to himself as he laid in Eren’s arm, his mind wandering in direction he never cared to allow before.

He thought about how he had never felt like this with Erwin, how he never wanted it, how he never missed it; despite how much he cared for him. 

He craved Eren’s touch, craved the intimacy, the closeness, and now that he finally had it; he never wanted to have it with anybody else, for it would taint it.  
Eren stayed quiet, he felt as if he were on the edge of losing his captain in the same way one would fear waking up from a perfect dream. He didn’t care for tonight to be his last if it meant to remain like this until morning came. Levi felt so small in his arms, so delicate, almost fragile.

He had expected the captain to be pained by the loss of his squad, but it felt as if he was missing something else, something important but just out of sight. Eren didn’t bother to question him further as his hand wandered to Levi’s hair, delicately playing with the black locks. “Eren.. Why are you here? Why are you staying here?”  
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be..” Had the words come from anyone else, they would have been cliché, but; from Eren’s lips he knew they held as much truth as anything else he ever said.

He held his weight with one arm against the mattress, lifting himself just enough so that he’d face Eren. “You’d tell me if you were uncomfortable with something, right?” Eren nodded, a sweet, innocent look of confusion in his eyes.

Perhaps, time stopped when Levi’s lips met his, but the flutter in Eren’s stomach only intensified. His heart skipped a beat as they melted in the embrace, unsure how to kiss back, for this was his first with anyone. He could only focus on Levi’s warm, soft lips against his. 

A dreamy feeling he could have only ever wished for.

Levi pulled away, if only for a mere second, before Eren’s arms dragged him back down, his fingers desperately clutching his hair; needing to feel the warmth of Levi’s breath inviting him to get closer, to steal this moment, to immortalize it in his mind. For if it were the last thing he’d ever do, living would have been worth it. 

Although he was laying down, his legs felt weak, the tremor in his arms anchoring him tenderly in this false sense of reality, for this must have been a dream considering how blissful it felt.

As their lips parted, Levi’s eyes slowly opened, a grey sky unveiled only to Eren. 

Levi’s never wanted to kiss anyone else but him, for it felt as if they were made for each other.


	2. Chapter 2

He spent the night in Eren’s arms, the warmth of his body banishing the anxiety and misery that inhabited his heart earlier that evening. For the first time he could remember, he slept, his nightmares far away, his insomnia so distant now that he had Eren’s heartbeat as his lullaby.

Levi was the first to wake up, his head still laid against the other’s chest, glancing outside his window and tightening his hold around Eren’s waist. He took notice of the welcoming rays of sunlight peeking over the nearby buildings, the vibrant colours of the sky matching what had felt like a perfect night. 

Levi carefully slipped out of his bed, unwilling to disturb Eren’s sleep; he needed to rest. He caught his reflection in the mirror, noticing how the dark circles under his eyes had slightly faded. He made his way out of the room, carefully looking back towards his subordinate, making sure he hadn’t accidentally woken him up. He delicately shut the door before he made his way to Erwin’s office, roaming through the empty corridors, his mind racing with thoughts of ways it could possibly go wrong.

Levi’s hand froze above the doorknob for what felt like minutes before he gathered the strength to knock, feeling his gut twist in apprehensiveness. But before he could reach out and grab it, the door creaked open, revealing blue eyes painted in surprise. He gazed up at Erwin, feeling the height difference between them crush what little confidence he had left. 

“Levi, how pleasant, I was just about to go fetch you.” Erwin’s voice felt cold, stern. 

Levi stood in silence, unable to come up with a response as he tried to decode the look in his commander’s eyes.   
Has he always looked that intimidating? 

“Come in.” He commanded, and Levi obeyed quietly, feeling as though his right to speak had been stolen from him once again. 

Erwin stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed on his chest.   
“Did you fuck Eren?”

Levi’s upper lip curled in disdain, indignation reflecting through his eyes.   
“What?!”  
No other word came to mind as he watched Erwin standing there, condemning him.  
“Well, did you?”  
“What the fuck Erwin?” Levi spat out, infuriated. 

“So you did?” Erwin’s voice was dripped in resentment, his eyes dark with what could only be described as jealousy. 

“I didn’t, why- how could you think that?!”   
“I don’t know, Levi. Maybe because you haven’t denied it?”

Levi stepped towards his commander, fists clenched. “I didn’t fuck him.” 

Erwin chuckled, animosity colouring whatever authenticity the laughter should have carried. “This... ‘intimacy’, is far from appropriate. You slept wrapped around him and god only knows what else.” 

Levi’s eyes widened. “What the fuck, Erwin? Are you spying on me?”   
“I was worried, so, I came to check on you.”

Levi let out an aggravated ‘tch’, deciding he’d heard enough.  
He turned to leave the room, but instead, he felt a strong grip on his arm, trapping him there.   
Levi didn’t even turn to face his commander. “I’m leaving.” He kept his eyes locked on his closest escape route, heart beating loudly in his chest.

“Oh, Levi.. No you’re not.” 

He shivered at the words, his stomach twisting on itself, nausea taking shelter in his throat. 

He jerked his arm away from Erwin’s painful grasp, only for it to be caught again.

Abruptly. Levi found himself facing the wall, one of his arms wrenched painfully behind his back and the other pinned against the wall above his head.  
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Panic evident in Levi’s voice as he struggled to get free, fear draining his strength, rendering him weaker than Erwin.   
“Calm down, I just want to talk, I won't hurt you..” Levi cringed due to Erwin’s finger digging into his skin.

“Shit,” Levi jerked his wrist, a pained inhale making it past his lips. “If this is how you propose ‘talking’, I wonder what the conversation will be like.”

He felt Erwin’s hold loosen and guide him to turn so they could face each other. turning him around so that he’d face him.   
“If I let you go, will you stay?”

Levi’s eyes were darkened with bitterness, glancing at the hold on his wrists before looking directly into his commander’s eyes defiantly.  
Erwin slowly released him, half expecting Levi to lash out and hit him. 

But he didn’t.   
He just stood there, unimpressed. 

“I’m sorry..” 

Levi’s lip curled in anger. “Yeah... you’ve been sorry an awful lot lately.” 

Erwin sighed, adjusting his own shirt’s collar. “Levi..”   
“Oh, give me a break Erwin.” The commander’s name left a bitter taste in Levi’s mouth, his mind dreading the very idea of pursuing this conversation.

“I understand that you may have needs, but you can’t just take advantage of Eren. You’re his captain. He’s sixteen. Do the math.” 

Levi swiped at Erwin, his fist being caught by the commander before it could connect.  
“Go fuck yourself.” Levi seethed, rage ablaze in his eyes. 

“You know I’m right, Levi. We both know how much he admires you, he wouldn’t ever say no. Do you even realize how much distress you could cause him?”

Levi chuckled lowly, a peculiar mixture of indignation and malice which paralyzed Erwin.   
“Oh, now you’re one to talk.” 

Erwin freed the other’s wrist, astonished by Levi’s behaviour.  
“What do you mean?” 

Levi looked at him in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” 

Erwin stared at him with a blank look that could only be described as unbridled confusion. 

“You don’t even realize it, now; do you?”  
The words were devoid of anger, a mere statement. 

Erwin’s silence greeted Levi’s words, his eyes clouded in questions.

The tension in the air felt heavy, neither men wanting to break the awkward silence first.  
Suddenly annoyed by the waste of energy, Levi circled back to why he’d showed up in the first place.

“We don’t have time for this. Did you figure something out? For Eren?” 

Erwin backed away, finally leaving an appropriate amount of space between them and cleared his throat. “Yes. I’ve just met with Armin. Go fetch Eren, and join me in the assembly room in 10 minutes, I’ll arrange a meeting.” 

Levi nodded before making his way towards the exit.   
“And Levi…?”  
He paused for a moment as he heard his name, but didn’t bother looking behind him.

“We will finish our conversation later on.” 

Levi slammed the door shut on his way out, making his way back to his quarters.   
As he entered his room, he came face-to-face with Eren who was just about to leave it.

“Hei-Heichou, sorry I-” Eren spluttered, raising his hands in surrender.

Levi cut him off, making an abortive gesture.  
“We’re being summoned for a meeting, follow me.” 

Eren watched as Levi turned on his heels, leading the way towards the assembly room. 

‘He’s definitely back to normal now..’ Eren thought to himself, wondering he’d imagined the previous night. He was struck by how cold his captain was, a true contrast from the before. 

He felt his breath hitch, his thoughts clashing with one another, wondering if he had done something wrong… If Levi felt regret..   
Not ‘if’, he definitely did regret it, what had he been expecting? 

Eren sighed anxiously, as he rubbed his temples, realizing they had reached their destination.   
He sat down at the table, watching Levi prepare some tea. 

The other man glanced at him, lifting a cup in his direction. “Want some?” 

Eren nodded, still lost in thought. He’d woken up just as Levi exited the room, leaving him plenty of time to spiral about what had transpired the night before. He had no idea where to go from here… Should he mention it? 

No... It was probably best to let Levi decide how to move forward.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as Levi set a steaming teacup in front of him before sitting at the opposite end of the table, his body placed in a way he could view both Eren and the door. “They’re late.” Levi’s words echoed in the room. “I can’t believe that good-for-nothing Erwin is making me wait. The MPS are gonna get here first...” He spared a glance at Eren, noticing how lost in thought he was, staring at the wall absently. “Most likely, he’s having trouble taking a shit.” 

A quiet laugh drew his gaze to the other’s smile, and Levi felt as though his feeble attempt at cheering him up had worked.

“Heichou.. You’re.. pretty talkative today.” Eren grinned, smoothing out the wrinkles around his knees.  
“Don’t be stupid, I’ve always been talkative.”

Eren looked down, thinking about the day before. “I’m sorry, back then... If only I hadn’t made the wrong choice.. Things might have been different.” He paused. “Even you were injured..”

Levi’s brow raised slightly, he had hoped that Eren was over it, but the guilt still lingered in his eyes. Levi wished only to hold him, but he couldn’t.   
“I told you. No one knows how things will turn out.” 

He was met with silence, his words not reaching the other, unable to push away the sorrow that resided inside him. There wasn’t much he could do right now, and yet he felt so goddamn useless it pained him. 

A knock on the door interrupted them before he could say anything else. 

‘Finally.’ he thought to himself, wanting this meeting to be over and done with as quickly as possible.


	3. Chapter 3

The meeting ended after about 30 minutes, and Levi heaved a sigh of relief.   
They had a plan, a great one, which would almost guarantee Eren’s safety.   
As long as they managed to catch the female Titan; Annie.   
They had two days to prepare for it.

Eren left the room with Mikasa and Armin while he remained with Erwin.   
He knew that even if he had tried to leave, the commander wouldn’t allow it.  
Levi waited until everyone else had cleared the room, watching Erwin shut and lock the door, making his stomach turn.

“I didn’t fuck Eren.” Levi was already on the defensive, arms crossing over his chest as he leaned against the wall. 

“I know that. Calm down.” Erwin sat down at the table, keeping a good distance away from the captain.  
“Then what?” Levi glared at his commander, impatient and frustrated. “I want you to think about this. Calmly.” Erwin paused, emphasizing the end of his sentence. “Even if we don’t take your rank and age in consideration... If you get too close to him, it will prevent you from making the right choices, and I can’t begin to imagine the distress you’ll be in when you’ll have to kill him.” 

Levi rolled his eyes. “If, Erwin. If I have to kill him. Not when.” 

The commander remained silent, letting him re-evaluate what he had just said. Levi resumed, waving his hand in dismissal. “If I ever had to kill him, it would be for doing something that would destroy whatever I feel for him.” 

Erwin’s gaze narrowed as he leaned forward. “Whatever you feel for him? What would that be, Levi?” He felt regret lodge itself in his stomach as he looked away from Erwin’s eyes. “Appreciation, I guess..” His commander stood up, leaning on the table, his hands resting on it. 

“And what do you feel towards me?” He felt his heart rate accelerate, uncertainties clouding the desaturated sky in his eyes. “Appreciation.. respect..” Levi felt as if he was digging his own grave, each word scraping at the ground beneath him. He didn’t dare to meet Erwin’s glare, his voice poisoned with anxiety. 

“Are you lying to me?” A simple question, and yet it besieged all the confidence Levi had left in him. His instincts were screaming at him to leave, but the hole beneath him had deepened so much that the mere idea of climbing out seemed futile. He kept his eyes glued to the ground, feeling Erwin’s presence growing larger, the weight of his expectations crushing him as he got closer. Erwin felt a pinch in his chest when he noticed how startled Levi was when he laid his hand on his shoulder. 

“Levi.. What did I do wrong? I feel like I’m losing you..” 

He let out a quiet sigh, meeting Erwin’s eyes, weighing in the words he wished to say.   
“It’s not like that, nothing’s changed...” 

Erwin waited a few seconds, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “What more can he give you that I can’t?”

Everything. They shared nothing in common; Eren was everything the commander wasn’t. Levi stayed silent, drowning in apprehension, not ready to face the consequences of any response he could possibly give. 

“Levi..” Erwin’s tone was heavy with implication. “You love him, don’t you?” 

The words plagued with dashed hopes, the blue of his eyes growing dim. Levi’s lack of answer confirmed what he already knew, and in that moment Erwin felt as if his world had ended.  
“Erwin, I-” He moved away from Levi, unwilling to bask in his lies. 

“You may leave, now.” 

Levi’s heart sank, his mind unable to pinpoint why such sorrow flooded his mind. Wasn’t this what he wanted? What was wrong with him? Why did this hurt so bad? He reached for Erwin’s arm, grasping it with both hands, bringing himself right in front of him. The commander didn’t budge when Levi pulled his arm down, hinting at the need for a kiss, anything to try to close the growing distance between them; but he was pushed away. 

“I’m done, Levi.”

Levi felt his heart free fall within his chest, followed by a silent yet violent crash, bringing with it a pain that was as freezing as it was burning. He felt as if shards of desperation punctured right through his lungs, his throat tightening as he spectated what felt like a physical wall forming between him and his commander. A stabbing, throbbing pain engulfed his heart, squeezing it, preventing it from beating right ever again.   
He didn't love Erwin. 

So why did it feel like his heart had shattered right there on the ground?

He watched as Erwin left the room, now alone with the misery he felt, a growing wave of desperation flooding his mind as tears streamed silently down his cheeks.  
He backed against the wall, letting himself slide to the ground.

“Heichou?” 

Through the opened door came the most pleading pair of eyes, blue-green like a mountain's lake. 'Worst timing ever.' Levi thought to himself, quickly wiping his cheeks dry, clearing his throat. His heart ached as he noticed a veil of worry in Eren's gaze, a faded sky growing darker with each second of silence that passed.. “Go away, Eren.” Levi's order lacked the authority it was meant to carry, his voice drowned in a thick mixture of melancholy and surrender. 

“Do you... really want me to leave?” The question rested on Eren's lips. 

“Eren.. What do you need? Why are you here?” 

He ran a hand through his brown locks sheepishly. “I...” Eren paused, growing uncertain.   
“I was looking for you and... well- I saw the commander leave the room so I assumed you’d be...” 

Levi let his head drop against the wall, letting out a deep sigh.   
“Please, don't tell me you were eavesdropping.” 

Eren quickly waved his hands in front of him in denial. “No-no-no-no! I didn't! I spotted him leaving from far away. I couldn't have heard any of what you were saying-” He trailed off when he saw his captain rise to his feet, flinching nervously as Levi came towards him. 

Levi stopped in his tracks, shaking his head slowly in disbelief, feeling guilt flood his senses. “What the hell... I wouldn't hit you..”

Eren smiled timidly, rubbing the back of his neck in comfort.   
“Kicking was what I had in mind, actually...” Soft laughter accompanied his statement, lifting the guilt away from Levi’s heart slightly. 

“I'll walk you back to your room.” Eren didn't have time to object as Levi passed him, leading the way towards the basement.   
"Eren!"

He felt someone grasp his arm, seconds after hearing a voice he'd never fail to recognize.

"Mikasa.." Eren's voice was devoid of any affection towards her, anticipating annoyance at what she'd say next.   
She stalked up to them, raging eyes at the captain. 

"What did he do wrong?!! Why do you always have to hurt him like that?!" 

Levi glared at her, a blank look on his face if it wasn’t for the frown of his eyebrows.  
He turned towards Eren, analyzing his reaction to Mikasa’s words. Eren looked annoyed, his arms crossed on his chest. 

“Mikasa... you can't just address the captain like that...”

Mikasa diverted her attention to him, pushing the captain out of the way, which only made Levi frown further, taking a deep breath and trying his best to keep control over himself. Now wasn’t the time to get violent toward a new recruit.   
“Did he hurt you?” There was fury in her eyes, jealousy etched in her features. 

Eren groaned, “Stop treating me like a fucking baby, I’m fine, nothing happened…” He shifted his weight to one side, rubbing his fingers against his brow. “Why is that always the first thing you come up with?” 

Mikasa pointed an accusing finger at Levi, her body tense. “Cause it wouldn’t be the first time that this lit-”  
“Oi, brat...” Levi interrupted her, struggling to contain his anger. 

Mikasa ignored him, her voice now raised. “Eren's already feeling horrible because of what happened, he doesn’t need you making him feel worse just because you left your squad to die with him-”  
“MIKASA.” Eren startled at the loudness of his own voice, his muscles quivering as he felt a rise of anger setting him ablaze, fists clenched. “Just fucking leave me alone for once in your life.”

Eren breathed deeply, a poor attempt at calming himself down. 

Mikasa grasped at her scarf, burying her face in it slightly as she lowered her gaze to the floor, unable to hide the pain in them.   
"But.. Eren, I..”  
“Go.” Eren's voice was low, rumbling.

He pushed her out of the way callously, determined to make it to the stairs before she could recover, not even sparing her one last look when she called his name again.   
Once in the basement, Eren stood in front of his cell door, hand hovering over the handle. 

“I’m so sorry about her.. she-” He trailed off, searching for the right words.  
“She just wants you safe, Eren.” 

“But…” he turned to face Levi, his eyes like a grey winter sky, so devoid of emotion it pained Eren just to see them. “I am safe.. and I definitely don’t need her protection...”

Levi took a hold of his subordinate’s hand, unwittingly making the other take a step closer to him. “Are you scared of me?” 

Eren stood dumbfoundedly, his lips slightly parted in confusion.   
“I don’t... Well- not really.. I’m not ‘scared’ it’s.. respect. You’re so headstrong, Heichou, a-and you care about the people around you… I know you do.”

Levi’s eyes widened, stunned by Eren’s words. He unconsciously tightened his grip on the hand he was holding, dropping his gaze to look at them.   
Realising he wouldn’t get a response, he kept on.

"Heichou- earlier... back with the commander, were you crying?" 

Levi’s heart skipped a beat. ‘Damn..so he did notice.’  
“I'm fine.. I wasn’t-”  
Levi’s voice sounded as if made of gravel, his clear tone undercut with a choking heaviness which forced him to cut his sentence short to avoid further tears. 

Eren tilted his head, concerned by how odd his captain was acting. “Did he.. hurt you?” The words were empty of accusations, a mere question.  
Levi felt a painful tightening in his throat, a strong frown on his face as he turned his head to the side.

“I'm sorry..” Eren whispered, the quietness of the basement nearly absorbing the sound of it.   
They stood in silence, the air around them felt heavy, crushing. 

Levi glanced around the shabby cell that served as Eren’s room, the bed, the desk.  
He broke the silence; “Aren't you tired of sleeping here?” 

Eren’s eyes widened, sparing a quick glance around his room, unsure how to answer.   
“Uh.. I mean..” He paused, meeting Levi's eyes, noticing a hint of sadness in them. “I really don't mind, if it allows me to be in your squad, then I'm fine with it... Honestly.” 

Levi took a hesitant step forward, visibly swallowing. 

“You know, Eren… Since I’m in charge of you and all.” He trailed off, running a hand through his hair, unable to meet Eren’s gaze.  
“How would you feel about moving to my quarters?”

Eren just stood there, forgetting how to breathe for a few seconds, feeling as if his heart had decided to quit. He felt the blood rushing to his face, his knees go weak, and his mind spinning from the swarming thoughts. 

Levi nearly regretted asking the question the instant it left his lips, but as their eyes met, it was as if wind stirred waves in them. Eren’s gaze reflected the world around him, making it his own, just as the sky mirrored it's hues on the ocean. One glimpse of them and you could see a lifetime’s worth of suffering, a night sky where the sunset bled his last, colouring the sky in shades of turquoise which felt like home.

Eren was beautiful. 

As the silence dragged on, Levi felt vulnerable, fearing he could never gaze upon those eyes without seeing the admiration in them ever again.   
Eren slipped his hand out of his captain’s hold, holding it to his chest.

“I mean.. I- You… Wouldn’t it...” Eren chuckled nervously, playing with his key necklace, his face burning in embarrassment. “Eren.. you don’t have to say yes if it makes you uncomfortable, I know that it’s probably a strange thing to a-” 

“No! No... it’s nothing like that... I’m just- Wouldn’t it bother to you? I don’t see how this could benefit you...” Eren interrupted him, hands waving in denial in front of him as Levi tilted his head to the side. “If you’re uncomfortable sharing a bed I can easily arrange for an extra one..”

“No-no, no need for that..but are you sure it’s allowed? Shouldn’t we ask Commander Erwin?” Levi cringed at Eren’s words. “I’m the one in charge of you, I can do as I please, Erwin has no business with that.”

Eren remained silent, not wanting to make the situation worse. He awkwardly stood there, still playing with the key around his neck. “Do you need help transferring your things?” Eren looked up, his heart suddenly beating faster in his chest; this was actually happening. He managed to answer by shaking his head before Levi turned on his heel, pausing in the doorway. “I’ll meet you there, then. I’ll free up some space for your clothes.” 

As the captain left his cell, Eren lazily sat on his bed, letting out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He grabbed his pillow, burying his face in it before squeezing it to his chest; he wasn’t sure what he was feeling, but it felt great. 

Eren got up, glancing at himself in the mirror; he was smiling like an idiot.


End file.
